Self Sabotage

Believe that you were given wings for a purpose

They call it self sabotage. It's the identifying phrase for all the little things we do in life to hurt ourselves, or ruin what feel we have that is going well in our lives.

For instance:
-Things going too well in that relationship? Let's throw in a curve that will take it off that track and put you back on the track that's rocky and hard and much much more comfortable.
-That new school really working out for you? How about you let yourself sleep through your classes a few times until you decide the teachers must be disappointed in you, or you missed too much and so you quit.
-Have you almost reached your goal weight by eating right and working out regularly for months? Why not decide to make candy for your kid's teacher gifts this Christmas? And oh, incidentally, take a break from working out at the same time. Just a little break that turns into two years.
-Perhaps you did a painting, pounded out a few essays, or wrote some music that you thought was really good and honestly you can't figure out how something that good could have been your work. You decide you could never do anything that good again and so you don't even try.
-Maybe you write someone who has complimented your work an e-mail and actually put yourself down in it so that they end up questioning their own judgement, after all you just did.
- Maybe you write a blog post from the heart and get a whole bunch of wonderful new followers and then "oops" you're too busy to blog for the next two weeks. (And think maybe they'll have forgotten you. Maybe they'll decide you're not worth it.) Maybe what you're really trying to tell them is that you don't think you're worth it.


Self sabotage is your reaction to the belief that people have what you perceive to be too much of a good opinion of you. Self sabotage means that you do everything you can possibly do to prove to them you're not worth it. And that in that one little phrase is where all of these stupid decisions come from. YOU believe that you're not as sweet or talented or wise as you might have fooled them into believing. You may listen to others opinion of you and think, "that's not me- if they really truly knew me they wouldn't think so well of me." All because you don't think you're worth it. Or worth anything really.

All messed up still, but with the form of something beautiful

But then you start to question yourself, you realize what you've been doing unconsciously and you say it out loud, "I'm not worth it, really I'm not". And you're alone and you realize that you're saying it to God. You're not worth whatever good He's lavished on you. Whatever blessings He's bestowed. Really, if he knew you. Really knew you. Then a little voice answers from inside of you. You are Worth that much to me. You've been covered by My Son and when I look at you I see the person I created. The person unharmed, unblemished... beautiful, and filled with potential that only I can imagine because I instilled it in you.

 That my sisters, is the truth. For both me and you. WE ARE WORTH IT TO HIM. Broken as we are, He will pick us up and use us in ways we never imagined. It's so hard to live that life, so hard to accept a gift that you feel is so undeserved. It's something I struggle with all the time. And I think it might help to share that struggle a little more with you. Because I believe that it's not just me who has a pattern of self-sabotage, if you truly look at your life, you'll see why you might have lost that job, why you're not a great success at keeping friends, why you let your dream slip away right as you had reached out to grasp it.

But then, recognizing it, you have to stop. You have to put into place safeguards. Before you send off that questionable e-mail, let a friend or spouse read it first. Before you decide to quit school, see if there isn't some way you can start fresh where you're at. If that relationship that was good, headed south, then pack a bag and follow it. Don't act on the imagined, make sure that what you perceive to be true really truly is. If you have a certain habit of procrastinating then make yourself a schedule with little mini deadlines to keep. You know you. You know what you do. You can stop doing whatever it is that you do- Because of Him. And you can begin afresh today. Or maybe tomorrow. Tonight you're going to polish off that cake, take a bubble bath, and then snuggle into bed with a good book, committed to beginning again tomorrow.

And then you do.